I go through guys like I go through paper towels.

I moved out from Dave's house. I thought he had a good honest All American job - he told me he was a coffee delivery boy. Well, I dunno if he forgot what coffee was? Or if he just mispronounced it, but he just went to prison for trafficking cocaine two days ago! I mean, that's what I heard. I had already moved out a week a head of time, thank God because I would have probably been taken down too, even though I DIDNT even KNOW! I feel so stupid - how could I not know? I mean I just thought he was hyper! And on the nights we got drunk together he was totally normal.

But I moved out because I met this guy Ryan at the bar one night. I just went by myself because Dave was gone on another business trip to go pick up coffee (I THOUGHT!) and Ryan was there at that bar. He had a huge beard and long hair and was wearing a plaid shirt standing by the pool tables drinking a beer. We had been making eye contact all night and then I guess I was drunk or something but when I ran out of beer, i made eye contact with him and held my beer bottle up and shook it showing him it was empty, and made a sad face. He smiled this biiiiig pretttyyyy smile and walked over and asked me if I needed another beer. I said no, I've had enough, but I'll have one of you, big boy (HA!).

Well, right when I said that, i Jumped off my bar stool and I didn't realize how drunk I was but I just fell over! I hit my head on the floor and Ryan helped me up and took me home. To his house, so he could take care of me. I told him my ROOM MATE was out for the night and couldn't take care of me. So he took me home and he kept me up. all. night, if you know what I mean!

His hair is longer than mine it was soooo sexy. Long, soft brown hair falling over my face as he pounded my brains out.

I thought it was really nice of him keeping me up all night so I didn't have a concussion. It was also nice that he waxes his WHOLE body. Shoulders to toes. But he keeps the long hair and beard. He should be an underwear model, I think! He wasnt very good in bed but I am good at faking! And its the least I could do to make him think he's a stud for being so hospitable to me.

So, long story short, I felt guilty for letting Ryan screw me all night. I went adn found my OWN apartment the next day. I think I can afford it. It's kinda skuzzy and sometimes I find fleas in the carpet, but I mean, it's pretty nice. I think I can just use 7 dust on my carpet to kill the fleas so they're not that big of a deal.

So after I found my apartment, I went and took my clothes and left a note on Dave's door saying I had decided I'm a lesbian and I'm moving to New Zealand. I figure if I told him I decided I was a lesbian then he won't be too upset.

So, me and Ryan have been hanging out! He's not getting any better in bed. I guess if we're going to stay together, then MAYBE i should start telling him what to do. Or maybe I can just buy him a porno to give him some pointers!

Get out!

Oh
My
Lord
It's been a long week.

Dan kicked me out.

OK I will try to start from the beginning.

Last saturday I went on a date with Dave. He took me out to Taco Bell and then we hung out at his house and went up on his roof and drank a bunch of beer and looked at the stars. It was really romantic looking at the stars with him.

About an hour into it, he kisses me. The soft sweet warm kiss that we shared in the parking lot the other night. He made my heart flutter and made me all tingly "down there" I haven't felt that in so long, not for at least six years. Dan is such a tool.

Anyway, we are kissing kissing he starts nibbling on my neck and he puts his hand up my shirt and his hands were cold and i got all goose bumpy, and right when i was ready to take him down on that roof right there, this car pulls up. Three people get out - two guys and a girl. They are very drunk and LOUD, laughing yelling. The girl saw us and was like HEY YOU GUYS and they all ran inside and upstairs and came through Dave's window and got out on the roof with us.

They are all drunk stumbling but the girl started talking to me, asked me who the hell I was what I do blah blah blah. Then we just talked for-e-ver about space and the ocean and religion and gah, everything else we could think of. Her name was Courtney and she had this pretty curly hair and was really skinny and kinda muscly, really pretty face. I had a girl crush!

They stayed there for about an hour up on the roof with us, we were all WAST-ED. And finally they all went to bed.

I stayed the night with Dave. I didn't even bother texting Dan, I figured he wouldn't care where I was anyway.

Next morning, we all get up, have coffee, MORE awesome conversation and GAH you know, I never went to college, I just married Dan and got a job and had no cool friends, and I finally realized THIS is what I was missing out on. These cool people. I just felt ALIVE!

I mean, I didn't so much miss out on the pee smell and the missing toilet paper and maggots in the pizza boxes laying around BUT, I missed out on the other stuff.

So Around 2 in the afternoon Sunday I finally grabbed my stuff and went home. All the way home, my stomach was sick and I was just dreading Dan's lecture but Dan didn't say one word to me when I walked through the door. Not even where have you been.

In fact, he didn't even look at me this time when I walked through the door.

So after that night, I've just been running around like a college girl with Dave. We just do pizza and a movie a lot, and have sex like crazy all over the house, his room mates usually aren't around much, I guess that's how college kids are.

So anyway. WEDNESDAY this week is the day that will live in infamy.

This was the only day I DIDN"T hang out with Dave. After work, I went to the mall to get my toeneails did, and I was going to just hang out at home that night because I decided maybe we should take a little one-day break (absence makes the heart grow fonder!), so I got my toenails done, went to blockbuster and picked up princess bride (favorite movie!) and went home around 830.

When I got home, Dan's car was in the drive way but he wasn't in the kitchen or his study like usual. Not in the bathroom not in the backyard so I figured he was taking a nap or something in our bed (I don't know why I though tthat, he never sleeps in there, he always sleeps on the couch now), but anyway I go in there and there he was for sure. And there it was - a PINK THONG on the floor (I DO NOT WEAR THAT TRASHY STUFF) and THERE SHE WAS. In MY spot in the bed. Kissing my husband. I couldn't see her face but I just stood there until they figured out I was standing there. And then I hear "AMY?" And it was her. Curly hair muscly arms pretty face Courtney.

All the sudden I fell to the floor and started BAWLING my face off.

They both jump out of bed , Dan throws on his shirt and pants, and Courtney grabs MY comforter and wraps it around her.

She asks me WHAT I"M DOING THERE?

I said What are YOU doing here? This is MY HOUSE YOU WHORE!

And she says to me "you're married? what about dave?"

Oh shit.

Who's dave, Dan asked? And Court tells him. Dave is my boyfriend and HER room mate and I have been staying at their house every night for the whole week.

THATS IT, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE. Dan yells at BOTH of us! His face got all hot pink and he looked like that little vein was about to POP in his forehead. Stupid dick hole.

He just started grabbing all my stuff! my clothes and marched his tiny dick to my front door and threw all my clothes out on the porch. Everything was just moving so fast and I was so confused and Courtney was still just standing with me in my freaking comforter.

Okay. I told Courtney that I was going to her house, and that she better not show her face there for a couple days unless she was prepared to get her eyeballs jabbed out and shoved up her ass. I grabbed my keys and took off to Dave's at that late hour. At least my toenails were pretty, because I had mascara streaming down my face.

I'm really upset right now just thinking about all this so I will finish later.