Wax on, wax off

So, there's this new trend called vajazzling. I read a blog about it the other day and my friend Rita (who is an esthitician) tells me yeah, it's been around California a little while! And she needed a guinea pig so she can practice, because she wants to start doing it! So I volunteered last minute.

I ran over to her shop around 9 last night to get it done. I have never been waxed before, and I do not think I was ready for that kind of pain! OMG! I. almost. BAWLED MY FACE OFF! And to top that, she has to wipe in down with STINGING ALCOHOL and then glue little pink jewels to it.

Anyway, after a few minutes and some soothing aloe and stuff, it finally stopped stinging. she VAJAZZLED ME! It is so pretty, looks like a star burst.

Then, for putting up with the pain for the first time, she gave me a little makeover! She has some great make up, stuff I've never used before!

So... as much as I claim to hate my husband Dan, I still want him to want me. So when I got home last night, I showed him. I thought it turned out really pretty, and all the reviews said it was great for your partner for a special occasion, he'd really love it, blah blah blah. So last night...

I'm an idiot I guess, assuming my little bedazzled cupcake and some pretty make up on my face would be enough to drag him back in.

I came home afterward. He was in the kitchen eating dinner (which he just cooked for himself, wasn't even considerate enough to save me any) and he looked at me when I walked in and turned his back to me, and continued eating. Anyway, I went in the kitchen, feeling rather dazzling (dazzle, vajazzle... heeee) and I grabbed his hand and said I have something to show you, come to the bedroom with me... and I dragged him to the bedroom.

I laid down on the bed slowly and sensually, unzipped my pants slowly and pulled them down to where he could see the rhinestones. RAVAGE ME! I said to him in my huskiest sex voice.

And he says to me...

"You look like a sparkly hog, you dumb whore." Then he turned and left me in the bedroom.

Wow. A kick in the stomach, let me tell you. But you know what, I didn't get mad. I didn't cry. I mean I was mad, but more cool than anything. I just closed my eyes, breathed, stood up, zipped up my jeans, went back to the kitchen to grab my purse, said in my sweeeeeetest voice "I love you Sweetie pie" then I blew Dan a kiss and walked out of the house.

Its liberating to NOT get down when people insult you. Its FUCKING LIBERATING!

I sat in my car for a minute, looked in my rear view mirror and just thought what is his problem? I thought I looked really pretty. I've never been a skank, I have a good job, I always wear make up and perfume and fix my hair and wear jewelry, and this make over made me feel REALLY god damn pretty for some reason! Just glowing. Dan is an idiot!

So... sometimes, even when you try not to get down on yourself, when someone insults you, you still need a liiiiiittttttle validation from other people. I went out again. A different bar this time, the one right next to the gay bar. It's a mix gay and straight bar and it's really glitsy and fun. And everyone is super open minded there!

So I go in, and I'm getting STARES! The night I met Rico, no one was staring at me when I walked in that bar, and maybe that's why Rico was so easy to hook up with, because no one else was paying attention me. But tonight! Oh My Dear LAWD! And these men were hott too!

I smiled my best movie star smile and walked up to the bar. This guy was sitting there and he looked up at me from his glass of (water it looked like, but I'm sure it was vodka, because who drinks water at a bar?) He smiled at me and my heart skipped. He had pretty teeth, such PRETTY TEETH! And these looooong eyelashes and his eyes were either blue or green I couldn't really tell in the dim bar lights.

He smiled and said hey can I get your drink for you? (NO ONE HAS EVER BOUGHT ME A DRINK) And I said sure, babe. What's your name? I looked down and realized I was still wearing my wedding ring! And I guess he saw my face when I realized that because he looked down too and noticed it :-/

Name's Dave, he said and then asked if I was married and he's sorry for hitting on me if I was.

I kinda lied and said it was just my mom's wedding ring and she had died so I got it (my mom's not dead and i feel bad saying she is) but that was the best I could come up with!

I slipped the ring off and put her in my pocket. I also hadn't taken my ring off in the entire thirteen years I've been married. Wow.

Anyway, we sat there and chatted until the lights came on at the bar... so a good three hours. I was sad our time was up! This pretty, pretty man was about to leave my life forever (so I thought!)

We got up and FINALLY he asked me if I needed a ride home... or wanted to go back to HIS PLACE!

I said SIR! (in my flirty husky sex voice) I do not go home with strange men on the first night I meet them! And it offends me that you would suggest such (i dunno why i was talking so flowery like that, but that's neither here nor there). But I will kiss you good bye and give you my phone number.

So WHOAH! We kissed. He moved his tongue in my mouth like we were one person, I have never kissed anyone like that before, his lips were so soft. Dave is a million times hotter than Dan will ever be (and I bet his dick is bigger too).

He finally stopped and got my number and i started to walk toward my car. By this time there was no one else in teh parking lot! I said oh wait Dave! Can I show you something?

I showed him my vajazzle. I know it's uncouth but it's just so FUN i want to show the whole world! And he smiled his pretty teeth smile and says That's hot, amy. He came back and kissed me one more time and then whispered in my ear (i'd like to see the whole thing soon please) UH I MELTED. Then he walked back to his car.

My heart was beating so hard in my chest.

Nothing like validation from a hot guy, let me tell you.

First blog

I'm sure I somewhat resemble a beached whale sometimes when I'm getting my brains screwed out. My big white belly flopping around, weird animal noises coming out of my throat... My newest dude is a weirdo who has a manitee fetish though. I'm sure he likes whales too.

My husband doesn't like manatees... or whales, or anything but a granite-chisled broad. Ugh. He stopped being interested in me when I started gaining weight. You know what though? Once you turn thirty, you START GAINING WEIGHT! I mean... I'm still a goddess. A motherfuckin' goddess. Just like Venus, soft and valuptuous. I'm not obese or anything. And for as much as I've been through with Dr. Douchebag, I still have a fairly reasonable amount of self esteem. I have a pretty face mostly. That's what's important anyway.

What makes me really mad about him not wanting me anymore is like... his dick is so tiny, and I married him anyway. I looked past it because he was totally awesome (so I thought).

So yeah. We are still married. Been married for 13 years, we have a kid Stacy but she stays with my mom right now since we are going through such a rough patch. Me and my husband don't talk. We don't hang out. He is screwing someone on the side. I found out about a month ago. I didn't even have to catch him, he just told me!

The night he told me, he came home around 4 in the morning from the bar. He was all kinds of drunk smelling like vodka and cigarette smoke, and his hands. smelled. like. VAGINA! And it wasn't MINE!

He stuck his hand in my FACE and says "SMELL THAT BABY?!" I got so sick to my stomach. You know, you just know what that smells like. And he starts laughing hysterically and walked off.

So... about a week later he asked me for a divorce. I said No way, baby. We said our vows. Basically I don't want to be married to him anymore, but I feel like I have a better chance at making his life hell if I'm still married to him. Heeeeee!

So anyway, I finally stopped wollowing in self pity and went to the bar last week. I took myself on a date. I don't have many friends here anymore since Hubbywubbster and I got married. I mean i was crazy about that bitch ass.

So. went to the bar by myself. I was sitting there drinking their stale wine (that's all i can drink these days is wine) and then this really weird looking geek comes up to me and sits down. His name is Rico (yeah yeah I've heard the Rico Suave jokes, give it a break. I'm sure that's not even his real name anyway!). He's really stupid and geeky but he's good in bed. And his dick has some girth. And you know, girth is more important than length and twenty times
better than my husband's baby toe dick any day.

So anyway, this is a weird time in my life. I mean I've always been super faithful ( I HATE CHEATERS!) but now I get it. I. freaking. get it. But this is like a big change, so figured I should start a blog or diary to document.

TTFN!